When I want something in life (aside from monetary things), I usually get it. I wanted to go to college out of state, so I did. I wanted to play college soccer, so I did. I wanted to study abroad, so I did. In general, I know what I want (even when that want is as undefined as ‘something new’), and I find a way to get it. But right now, I do not have what I want. And I don’t think I am going to get it—not right now at least. This is a feeling I am very much not used to—and I very much don’t like it.

The reason I don’t have what I want is through no one’s fault but my own, and it has been absolutely distressing in the last few months. But about a week ago I had a dream. I was sitting in the backseat of a car, on the passenger’s side. My mom was in the driver’s seat. My mom was driving the car, but I also had a steering wheel in front of me. We were in a dark city with winding roads and torrential rain. I kept trying and trying and trying to steer, but I kept swerving and slipping and almost running into things. In addition to the rain, the headrest for the seat in front of me was blocking my view—I could hardly even see the road. How did I expect to be able to drive a car!? Luckily, my mom was there, in complete control, making sure the car stayed on the road.

[Weird side note: around the time I had this dream, my mom had a dream that she was driving a car and I started talking to her from the backseat, but she was unable to say anything back out of shock that I was there.]

I usually take a very…hands-on approach to life. I make opportunities for myself; I go after what I want. I control things. But I am not in control of the things that I want most in life right now, and that is so new (and frustrating!) for me. But this dream I had reminded me that even though I am not in control of everything, it does not mean that I am out of control or that my life is out of control. I tried and tried to steer the car, but I couldn’t make it go the directions I wanted—I couldn’t even see in front of me. But even so, I was safe. The car was being controlled even though I wasn’t the one controlling it. I think it is important for me right now, to try to let go of the need and the desire to control. I need to accept what is, and not distress over not having more. I need to enjoy the ride, so to speak, and let the universe drive me where it thinks I need to be. It is certainly easier to say than to do!

Challenge for day #323, November 19, 2011: Take a deep look into your life. What is making you unhappy? What are you lacking that you think would make you happier? Are these things controllable? If something is making you unhappy—look for a way to change it, and if there is none, look for a way to change the way it makes you feel. And in regards to what you think would make you happier—do it or get it if you can. And if you can’t—then stop letting the desire cause you distress. Try to forget it, stop wishing and instead appreciate the life you have right now. Let go of the drive for control, let the universe lead you where it thinks you need to be. 

Challenge for day #264, September 22, 2011: As any follower of this blog knows, I love to move, to change scenery, to meet new people. When I stay in one place for long, I begin to wonder what I am missing out on—what else I could be experiencing. 

But I’ve learned that there are things you can’t do if you are constantly moving around, things that I want to do—i.e. finish a college degree. So recently, even though my feet are itching to run run run, I’ve been considering sticking around here for three (or maybe only two) more semesters, allowing me to graduate on-time, or even a semester early. If I decide to do this, I know that I will need to alter my thinking a little bit. Instead of always wondering what I am missing out on—I need to concentrate on the things that I can do while I am here, and especially on the things that I cannot do if I constantly roam. So my challenge to myself today is to make a list of the things that I could experience if I decide to stay in Montana until I finish my degree. I’ve got a small start to the list:

1. Coach a soccer team.
2. Explore Montana—a supposedly beautiful state, of which I’ve seen very little evidence so far.
3. Get a college degree without going into too much debt.
4. Pay off my car.

I hate sitting at a table with my soccer team, while every single one of them has her phone out—texting or facebooking or playing a game. Instead of enjoying the moment they are in with the people they are with, it is as though they are trying to find somewhere better to be (albeit, cyberspacially). They are always looking for someone more interesting to talk to, updating their statuses to some inane detail that no one cares about. Honestly, I am sick of it. I don’t want to sit at a table full of people that act as though they wish they were somewhere else (even though if they were with whoever they are texting, I’ve no doubt that they would find someone else to text or facebook).

But contrary to how they act, I know that the majority of the people I’m talking about don’t actually wish that they were somewhere else. Maybe it is an issue of restlessness, of constantly needing new stimulus. Maybe they just really miss whoever it is they are texting (I doubt it). Maybe it is that they want to feel important, they enjoy knowing that someone is spending time on them. Maybe they don’t want to be the only person at the table without a phone in hand. Maybe they don’t remember how to interact face-to-face, so they avoid the situation they are in, and fill the interactual void by being on their phones. I have no idea, but I must admit—I do it too.

Lately I have felt far too dependant on technologized people. It is one thing to Skype a friend in Scotland, or talk to my mom on the phone. But here is where I draw the line: I was hanging out with a bunch of friends last Saturday, and a boy I am kind of interested in was there. Now, I’m far from what many might call ‘forward’. In fact, I’m quite shy. And instead of talking to said boy and enjoying his company, I found myself kind of avoiding him all night. Then, once I left the party, can you guess what I did? I texted him. Ooooooook. Who does that? Someone that finds comfort in the space between phones, between computers. Or maybe a middle-schooler.

Anyways, a week or so ago, I deleted my Facebook. Or deactivated it, rather. (This was before that little anecdote occurred). To be honest, I deleted it for completely different reasons than I outlined above. I was simply spending too much time on it. There were books I wanted to read, daily blog posts that I was (maybe) posting weekly, scholarship applications I wanted to fill out, people I wanted to hang out with, homework to be done, pictures to paint—the list of things I could do with my evenings in endless. But the list of what I was doing with my evenings was short: soccer, Facebook, Hulu. So I said adios, and I am glad. I don’t plan on having it gone forever, but at least for awhile.

Anyways, here is the challenge for the weekend:
Challenge for Day #258-Day #261, September 16-September 19: Use technology to communicate as little as possible. When you need to talk to someone, use this chatting hierarchy: 1.In person 2. On the phone 3.Messenger pigeons 4.Singing telegram 5.Texting. Don’t have your phone out at dinner—in fact, turn it off as often as possible. Don’t maintain a cyber-conversation while in the middle of a real conversation. Be respectful of other people, and try to get your kids or bratty teenage daughter to do the same! Spend some time alone, without constant communication. And most of all, enjoy the people that are around you and the moment you are in! I personally, am traveling to South Dakota tomorrow for soccer, and I’ve decided to leave my phone at home all weekend. Four days with no cell phone and no Facebook will certainly be good for me! 

But then I went bobsledding, and got quite a bit happier. Seriously, bobsledding is so much fun. Sorry that I missed another challenge!

Challenge #241: My good friend’s grandfather died today, and it made me think about my grandparents. They are so special to me, but I probably don’t let them know that enough. Today, call or email a grandparent, just to catch up, because you never know what may happen.

Challenge #239 August 27^th, 2011: Today, be a team player. Worry more about what your team (whether that be family, work, or athletic team) needs, than what you want. Sometimes it is hard not to be selfish, or hope that things happen that will turn the winds in your favor. But today get rid of any of those hopes or thoughts. Support your team, do that is best for them.

After two weeks of 3-a-day practices, a wonderful (and terrifying) 20^th birthday, a pretty cool limo ride, a roommate’s huge life crisis, and the beginning of a new semester, I’m back!!

I think it is easy for me to appreciate life when life includes new and constantly changing things. It is easy to find goodness in something that I am not used to, something that sparks my attention. And that is what this whole blog is about—a way to help find the beauty in every single day. But it is a lot harder, I’ve found, to appreciate a day I’ve lived before, a place I know, an experience I’ve already had. I’ve always known how easy it is for me to leave, but I never knew how hard it was to come back.

I’ve heard that different things give energy to different people. And I don’t mean coffee or Mtn. Dew. An example: some people get energized being around a big group of people, yet for others, that big group drains their energy. Within the last few weeks I’ve learned that doing something I’ve already done, being somewhere I’ve already been drains my energy—especially my positive energy. Maybe it is because I play soccer a thousand hours a day, but I find myself dragging. I don’t get excited to the things that excited me so much last year.

Challenge #238, August 26, 2011: Today, find something that boosts your energy, and do it. I know that painting, while a very calming thing, gives me a certain buzz. It makes me happy and makes me feel creative and proud. So I’m going to do it. Find something that gives you that buzz (preferably not vodka), and do it! In addition, if you know that something just pulls all your energy away, avoid it today.