It has been so long since I’ve posted, I didn’t even know how to start this. This blog is called “A Daily Challenge,” and in the weeks (months!?) since I’ve posted, almost every one of my days has had its own challenge, something for me to figure out, to get through, to remember, or to forget. And I suppose that is my excuse for having abandoned this for awhile. The universe has been tossing challenges at me left and right—I haven’t found time to make up any of my own. But excuses aside, I have missed this. So here I am—I hope to stick around for awhile.
When I want something in life (aside from monetary things), I usually get it. I wanted to go to college out of state, so I did. I wanted to play college soccer, so I did. I wanted to study abroad, so I did. In general, I know what I want (even when that want is as undefined as ‘something new’), and I find a way to get it. But right now, I do not have what I want. And I don’t think I am going to get it—not right now at least. This is a feeling I am very much not used to—and I very much don’t like it.
The reason I don’t have what I want is through no one’s fault but my own, and it has been absolutely distressing in the last few months. But about a week ago I had a dream. I was sitting in the backseat of a car, on the passenger’s side. My mom was in the driver’s seat. My mom was driving the car, but I also had a steering wheel in front of me. We were in a dark city with winding roads and torrential rain. I kept trying and trying and trying to steer, but I kept swerving and slipping and almost running into things. In addition to the rain, the headrest for the seat in front of me was blocking my view—I could hardly even see the road. How did I expect to be able to drive a car!? Luckily, my mom was there, in complete control, making sure the car stayed on the road.
[Weird side note: around the time I had this dream, my mom had a dream that she was driving a car and I started talking to her from the backseat, but she was unable to say anything back out of shock that I was there.]
I usually take a very…hands-on approach to life. I make opportunities for myself; I go after what I want. I control things. But I am not in control of the things that I want most in life right now, and that is so new (and frustrating!) for me. But this dream I had reminded me that even though I am not in control of everything, it does not mean that I am out of control or that my life is out of control. I tried and tried to steer the car, but I couldn’t make it go the directions I wanted—I couldn’t even see in front of me. But even so, I was safe. The car was being controlled even though I wasn’t the one controlling it. I think it is important for me right now, to try to let go of the need and the desire to control. I need to accept what is, and not distress over not having more. I need to enjoy the ride, so to speak, and let the universe drive me where it thinks I need to be. It is certainly easier to say than to do!
Challenge for day #323, November 19, 2011: Take a deep look into your life. What is making you unhappy? What are you lacking that you think would make you happier? Are these things controllable? If something is making you unhappy—look for a way to change it, and if there is none, look for a way to change the way it makes you feel. And in regards to what you think would make you happier—do it or get it if you can. And if you can’t—then stop letting the desire cause you distress. Try to forget it, stop wishing and instead appreciate the life you have right now. Let go of the drive for control, let the universe lead you where it thinks you need to be.